A week ago I found myself paralyzed with fear with a thought that didn't belong in my head. The thought that I could leave this earth and leave my husband and son. Now, my Nicaraguan grandmother always taught me that "to live is Christ and to die is gain", so I'm not afraid of dying because I know I'm going to heaven. But a week ago out of nowhere I was afraid my son would experience what I did as a young 11 year old: growing up without one of my parents, in my case, my mom. This motherhood deal has put me in touch with feelings & emotions never felt before, so, though I'm not afraid of dying, I was afraid of my baby boy growing up without my care, love, & affection. Like I said, I don't know where that came from...
...but when I saw that telephone pole rapidly approaching my car as I skidded on the wet roads in my chevy blazer and realizing that I had lost control on the road, time passed so quickly that all I had time to cry out was, "Gooood!!!!" I didn't even have time to say "help me!" My head was forced into the door frame and I became unconscious...until a gentleman ran to my aid and started trying to break open my driver door. I looked at him thinking, "how did he get here so fast?" I didn't realize I had blacked out. My head was throbbing and I was looking at traffic coming towards me as I faced the wrong way on the road. He urged me to get out. I mumbled that I had to call my husband. I did. I hung up when I heard him say, "get out the telephone pole's cables are sparking and it's catching the tree on fire." Okay! but my door wouldn't open. So he got me out the front passenger seat. I was like a kid needing instructions on what to do due to the shock. "Open the door." I unlocked it. "Get your purse" I got it. "do you want this present?" "oh yes, that's Kim's present and she's waiting for me at dinner." My legs were shaking as this man was helping me out as I crawled out of my car. I was thinking, "I think I'm going to be late for our bday dinner"
This angel had a wife and she placed a blanket on the wet grass so I could sit down. I did. Holding my head in pain. I felt a huge ball on my left side and it hurt to breathe. I felt like pins and needles in my chest. 911 was called. Ambulance came. I don't know when Rob came or when my friend Kim came. I went into an ambulance. Don't think I had ever been in one. But funny, I knew the paramedics in it because they've come to the hospital where I work. We recognized each other. So glad to see a familiar face as my IV was getting started.
"2 feet" the guy said. 2 feet saved your head and body being smashed by the telephone pole that stopped your out of control car. The back passenger door was busted in. Window smashed. Pole didn't even get scratched nor did it budge. As he told me that I just remembered that's where I would've had my son sitting in his carseat had he been with me in the car. So I started bawling. My blood pressure went up. I saw it on his monitor.
So 1 CT scan and xrays later I was discharged from the ER with pain meds and the blessing that I had no fractures, though my legs were still shaking, my side hurting, my head throbbing, my emotions bouncing. That night I was afraid to fall asleep. Afraid that I wouldn't wake up. New experience. You know how you twitch sometimes when you're asleep? if I felt myself do that, I would jerk up and think, "is my brain about to die? do I have a blood clot? am I having a stroke?" It was nervewrecking, especially cuz rob was supposed to wake me up every 4 hours to see if I knew who I was, what my bday was, and if my pupils were the same. How crazy is that?? Took me an hour to relax.
That night after coming home I held my son for a long time. He stayed up about 3 hours past his bedtime. I didn't want to let go. His little soft body, his warmth, his smell, his energy and smiling face filled my heart with wonder. His innocence not knowing where his mommy had been or what had happened calmed me down. God's presence was felt thru my son. I felt accompanied. Comforted. Not alone. Soothed. as I sat in his nursery room with the light of the moon shining in as my baby looked up and out the window. Smiling. His eyes shining. Happy to be up late. Not a care in the world. He doesn't know how, but he knows he's loved, fed, changed, provided for. I wanted to be like him. God's perfect love was casting out this fear that started a week before my car accident...
Sunday morning's song comforted my soul and I'll end there for now cuz I need to rest.
2 feet. 2 days before my 30+2 birthday.
walking, not sitting in, thru the valley, ~Ines
Matt Redman - You Never Let Go
From the album Passion 06: Everything Glorious
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
Chorus:
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth
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